The Subtle Difference Between Authentic Connection and the Feeling of Being Chosen
Are you authentically interested in the person you’re dating or seeking the feeling that comes with being chosen? Anxiously attached individuals can often mistake the feeling of being chosen with authentic connection. These two feelings can be incredibly similar, which makes them difficult to differentiate.
For those of us who utilize anxious attachment patterns to feel safe, dating and relationships can often feel like an emotional rollercoaster. Early dating in general is enough to bring up anxiety in even the most securely attached individual. Can you imagine trying to date from an anxiously attached place? Oh boy, it’s a doozy. Folks who lean more toward anxious patterns on the anxious-avoidant attachment continuum tend to feel unworthy of love. So, they have an expectation that they must earn or gain the attention and value of an attachment figure (i.e. a romantic partner) to receive the love they crave. At the same time, the fear of being abandoned often causes an anxiously attached person to constantly seek “proof” that the object of their desire is interested in them and not going anywhere. If you can imagine life in these shoes, you can imagine the highs that come with being chosen or reassured of worthiness, and the lows that come in the absence of that.
Anxiously attached folks tend to enter relationships seeking validation and a sense of worthiness from their partner. This desire for reassurance can overshadow genuine feelings, leading to a pattern of anxiety and insecurity. The thrill of early romance might be accompanied by constant questioning: "Do they like me? Am I enough?" This focus on being chosen can lead to a cycle of seeking approval rather than authentically connecting with someone.
In contrast, dating authentically involves engaging with someone because of a genuine appreciation for who they are, rather than as a way to fill an emotional void. However, this can be challenging for those with anxious attachment, as the distinction between authentic connection and a need for reassurance is very subtle.
To differentiate, consider the following questions:
Emotional Response: When you think about this person or are in their presence, does your heart race in anxiety, or do you feel excited and at ease? Authentic feelings bring joy, while anxious attachment often leads to worry and lack of security being yourself.
Conversations: Are you able to express your thoughts and feelings freely, or do you hesitate due to fear of rejection? Healthy relationships encourage open dialogue and foster the safety for authenticity.
Independence: If they reschedule plans or take a night for themselves, does this fill you with a sinking feeling? Or, can you enjoy your own company independent of their attention? A balanced relationship allows for both connection and personal space.
Interest in Each Other: Are you genuinely interested in getting to know the person? Do their interests and opinions interest you? Or are you more focused on how they perceive you or how others will perceive you if you’re with this person? A true connection sparks deep appreciation for your partner’s individuality and nourishes an environment to claim your own individuality.
Boundaries: If this person sets a boundary, do you respect their autonomous rights and believe they are doing what they need to do to take care of themselves? Or do you feel hurt or angry and assume they don’t care about you? Authentic connection is about respecting one another’s boundaries, even if it means your love isn’t available to give you reassurance.
Recognizing these differences can help you navigate relationships more mindfully. Shifting from seeking the feeling of being chosen to building authentic connections is a journey that requires healing attachment wounds. Understanding your attachment style is a valuable first step toward healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
With warmth,
Alexis
